HE REMEMBERS THE BARREN


Melissa D.'s story… 
It’s been a faith-filled journey trying to understand why I had to face infertility.  At times, I’ve been mad and angry; at others, I’ve been severely depressed.  But I finally have peace through prayer!  One year ago, when I began infertility treatments, I was hopeful and excited.  I was sure I would get pregnant the first try.  I was optimistic and ready to be pregnant!  To my dismay, the treatment did not work that month or the next, or even the next for that matter.  What followed was a year of repeated failures.   
My optimism slowly faded.  Infertility treatments became increasingly stressful and upsetting.  Each month followed the same cycle: excitement, dreaded ultrasounds, and a two week wait for a negative pregnancy test.  The absolute worst was the last stage of the cycle, the pregnancy test.  I can think of nothing more heart wrenching than hearing those words, “We’re sorry.  You’re not pregnant, maybe next month.”

After 10 months of “no” phone calls, I started to become depressed. Crying in bed became the norm for me.  I was sleeping in the middle of the day, and I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.  I started having negative thoughts about life.  I remember telling my husband one day that I wish something would happen to me and I would fall into a coma.  Then they could do infertility treatments on me and wake me up when I was pregnant.  My husband became increasingly concerned about me and wanted nothing more than to take my pain away.

I got to the point where I no longer wanted to feel the pain.  Infertility treatments and not being pregnant enveloped my every thought.  I felt miserable physically and mentally.  Then one day I had an epiphany-I wasn’t living anymore.  Obsessing over not being pregnant was all my life entailed.  I had forgotten about all of the positive things in my life.  I had a wonderful husband and a very strong relationship with him (partly thanks to the infertility treatments).  I had a supportive and loving family.  My job was rewarding and challenging.  Other than my infertility, my life was absolutely wonderful.  Somewhere in this past year, I had lost sight of that.  I had stopped thanking God and appreciating all of the wonderful blessings I had in my life. 
Right then and there I decided things needed to change.  I needed to stop letting infertility rule my life and start enjoying the blessings that surrounded me.  I wanted peace.  I wanted to wake up and not worry about treatments and doctor appointments.  I wanted to wake up and embrace life instead of dreading it.  That night I stopped praying for a baby and started praying for peace instead, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.  I prayed to God that His will be done, and in the meantime, I asked if He could please fill me with His peace?   
The journey wasn’t an immediate success.  I’d like to say that I woke up the next morning feeling better, but that was not the case.  God started leading me to people that could help me find that peace.  I started seeing a wonderful counselor, began acupuncture, and joined an infertility prayer group called Miracle Mothers.  God knew what He was doing when He placed these people in my life.  The changes came slowly and steadily.  I started having more peaceful days than difficult days.  And through the prayers and support of my counselor and the Miracle Mothers group, I began to feel God’s overwhelming presence and peace.   
Gradually, I started enjoying things that I had once enjoyed--playing a board game with my husband and barbecuing with friends, to name a few.  I finally felt like I was living again.  I had peace, and I owed it all to God!  I want to share with other women that peace is possible during the infertility journey, not just at the end when you’re holding your baby.  We all know that we will eventually have a child because God put that desire in our hearts.  The important thing is that we can look back at the journey and realize that we grew as a person through God and the people He surrounded us with.  And most importantly, that we embraced life, even amidst hard times.  As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”   


On April 30, 2007, Melissa and her husband gave birth to twins!  Mom, Dad, baby son and baby daughter are doing GREAT!